Thursday, 31 October 2013

I'm still around

I have been extremely busy these last couple of months but it's about get less busy and I will once again have time to get back to blogging as of next week. Look out for new posts next Friday. I believe that I have responded (albeit slowly) to all messages sent to me. If I have not, kindly drop me a reminder and I will do so.

Keep well in the mean time.

Monday, 23 September 2013

Live like its your last day

I had promised to update my blog and respond to messages over the weekend but just as I was about to sit down and do so, I received horrible news. I am shaken to the core by how fragile and unpredictable life can be. I am shaken to the core by how evil and heartless some people can be. My heart is heavy. I feel sadness, pain, helplessness, anger, so many emotions have been going through me over the last 24 hours.

Friends have lost their loved ones and I cannot do anything to ease their pain or help them come to terms with what has just happened. I am trying to support them as best as I can but it just doesn't seem to be enough. I want to do more, I want to make it right somehow but I cannot. This is bigger than me. I hate the feeling of helplessness. I hate seeing my friends hurt and I hate even more not being able to do anything about it.

All I can do for now as difficult as it may be is pray and hope for the best. Pray that those who died rest in peace. Pray that those injured make a speedy recovery. Pray that God gives all those affected strength and healing as they go through what is a very tough time. Pray that some of us can learn to have more respect for human life. Pray that I and others are able to forgive despite what has been done.

Friday, 30 August 2013

Almost up to date

My apologies for the delay in consistently updating my blog. Life has been a bit hectic. I am close to finally updating it. I have 3 oustanding posts which I should have up soon. I must admit, I have had a very poor blogging strategy. I was very excited about starting my blog months and months ago. I was bursting with so many thoughts, emotions and ideas that I wanted to share. Putting them down however has been the challenge. Working and studying at the same time means that I don't have much time to blog during the day and I usually get home in the evening exhausted, chores and assignments waiting for me.

When I started blogging, I decided that I wanted to at least have the first 10 posts up before I made the blog public as they explained how I ended up where I currently am in my femdom journey. Writing them however proved to be quite difficult and time consuming as I battled with reliving some rather dark times as well as whether I wanted to be this open. I would start a post, get stuck, move on to the next, get stuck again, end up frustrated, postpone it all, pick up later and so it went on and on. The plan was to make the blog public on the 1st of May but that didn't work out. It came and passed and all I had in my posts folder was numerous incomplete drafts. I finally only made it public on the 17th of June. I however decided to back date the posts to when they should have originally been posted.

I hoped to complete and publish all the drafts in my posts folder a month ago but by mistake, I accidentally deleted all the drafts as well as some published posts. Getting back the published posts was my first priority and with some difficulty, I managed to recover them. The same could not unfortunately be said for the 8 drafts I lost so I had to start all over again. It wasn't easy, especially given my newly hectic schedule but I have almost completed them and have already posted some of them below. They have been backdated so feel free to go back and have a look.

Tuesday, 27 August 2013

Trial Weekend ~ Sunday Part 2

Ava lazily lay on the couch in the lounge while still dressed in her lingerie. Mark was seated upright and naked next to her, her feet resting on his thighs as he massaged them and they talked. They discussed what he would expect after the weekend if he chose to remain her submissive.

She told him that the realities of their working lives meant that weekdays would not be as full play wise as this weekend. The pot plant would remain hanging in the lounge and for the most part she would save up any punishments for the weekends unless their schedules allowed more play. On weekday nights, they would still visit family and friends and continue with their lives. He was however supposed to always remember that she was the head of the relationship and expected to be treated accordingly. Massages, service, pampering and satisfying her sexual urges as she dictated would be typical of weekday nights. Whenever possible they would try to maximize their alone time on weekends.

Depending on her mood, he would to satisfy her cravings. Any failures noted in his performance and behavior during the week would be addressed during the weekends. It was clear this was not a conversation if he was going to choose this life. Merely she was telling him how it was going to be.

Sure that he understood what she told him, she asked him to go to the kitchen and make them a quick late lunch. She told him to surprise her with a meal of his choice. He asked whether she would like steak, chips and a salad. She couldn’t have thought of a better choice for a Sunday afternoon. He did make a really good steak.

He excused himself to get appropriately dressed for the task ahead but she told him that he could only put on an apron. He had never cooked in an apron only and this kind of made him a bit nervous. She sensed his nervousness and said, "Darling, I would really love to admire your sexy body. Are you going to deprive me of this?"

Saturday, 24 August 2013

Trial Weekend ~ Sunday Part 1

Mark woke up at around 11am, needing to use the bathroom. He quietly got out of Ava's warm embrace and left the bedroom not wanting to disturb her sleep. Trying to be quiet, he had some cereal before doing some quiet cleaning. He collected her toys that she had used and was going to put them in her chest. When he got to it he noticed that she left a post-it note saying "Do not open!" He wondered what else she kept in there but did not dare to take a peek.

Not long after, he heard her call out darling, in a playful way. When he entered her room she said, "Good morning darling. I would like scrambled eggs on toast and a cup of tea in bed thank you."

He really liked being referred to as darling. As he went to the kitchen he heard her use the bathroom and go back to bed. He made her brunch and handed it to her on a tray. She sat up in bed and as she ate he was to massage her feet. She asked him how he had been enjoying himself so far, good and bad. She wanted him to be candid. He told her how he enjoyed pleasing and worshipping her. She was pleased to hear this.

"Anything you haven't enjoyed?" She asked.

"Well, I thought you went a bit far with the crop and paddle, I mean there are still welts where you hit me."

She smiled making it clear that he would get used to it and he would toughen up. She then said, "Do you know how proud I was when you remained composed and strong when I punished you? I tested your devotion and you came through for me. That gets me excited and you like that don't you?"

"I do," he replied.

"Any other complaints, speak up now?"

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

When fantasy does not translate to reality

Submissive UK Husband left this comment on SS, a week into chastity, before I accidentally deleted the post. "Interesting post especially from the perspective of posting it on behalf of your caged sub. As a recently caged sub I can resonate with the observations and will keep checking back to see how this develops." I have also received some messages expressing an interest in hearing more about how things pan out between SS and I. 

Unfortunately, there is no "happy ending" for us. SS gave me control of his cock on the 18th of April. Our contract ended on the 27th of May, me being the one ending it. I have to be honest and admit that I acted rashly and let frustration get the better of me. I asked SS for something that would be very special to me and him as well, but he declined to give it to me. I felt like the reasons he gave for not being able to give me what I wanted were not the real reasons and he even went as far as saying he would rather not have a release.

When I cooled down and realised what I had done. I was very regretful to say the least. Even though he has never said it, I must have hurt him and broken his trust by ending the contract so rashly. I may have made him feel like he was easily dispensable and like he never meant anything to me for me to act on impulse like that. SS means a lot to me and he is not easily dispensable. I enjoyed owning his cock a lot however what happened was bound to happen. If it wasn't when and how it did, it was bound to at a later stage. 

We agreed to think things through  and decide on a way forward however, it wasn't that easy. It was rather difficult and confusing for both of us. We talked about it a bit but never got around to the core issues. We almost got there then we both ran away because we are afraid of tapping into very intense emotions and being very vulnerable with each other. The irony however is that given what we shared and the trust we built in each other, it should have been easy to open up to each other but it was not.

Sunday, 18 August 2013

The trial weekend ~ Saturday Part 4

Once in the lounge, Ava blindfolded Mark, telling him that it might be more fun that way. For her maybe, he thought. She tied his hands to the chains and then told him to spread his legs. She attached what he was later to discover was a spreader bar to his ankles. Apart from being uncomfortable, he felt he had a little balance and felt himself swing against the chains.

She left him for a moment. He had no idea she was getting her robe so she could get comfortable. He heard her walk around him. Eyeing her prey, he thought.

Suddenly he felt a sharp whack to his butt from what he thought must have been a paddle. She concentrated on the one spot over and over causing him to shout out, "Please stop my lady."

This disappointed her and he felt her slap his face, and then a whisper in his ear, "I warned you about begging."

With that, she attached a ball gag in his mouth to keep him quiet. Tied and blindfolded, he got in a bit of a panic. He really couldn’t take any more and she seemed to understand that he was approaching his limit. She told him to be strong a little while longer and he would definitely get the reward she mentioned earlier. He knew what she meant, or he thought he did, so he made every effort to man up and accept every blow she delivered. By the time it was over he was a mess.

She removed the spreader bar and he regained his balance. She then untied his arms. He almost collapsed on her as she helped him to the couch. She took off his blindfold and he saw her looking at him to see whether he was fine. Dressed in her robe, she looked so nurturing to him. He began to sob in her chest. She comforted him as he regained his composure.

Thursday, 15 August 2013

Why I choose or wish to submit ~ submissive males' perspectives

I asked the members of my harem, eeeerrrr I meant the lovely submissive men in my life lol, why they choose to or wish to submit to a dominant woman. Submitting is a voluntary action, something a man decides to do. It is an act of the will and the result of a conscious choice or decision that a man makes to give up some or all control of his life to a woman. A submissive man chooses to submit and has the option to say no. He chooses who he is willing to submit to, how long he is willing to submit, how much authority he will cede, how much control he will accept and what aspects of his life he will surrender.

It is a decision that happens first in one's heart and if one can't decide in his heart that he is willingly going to submit, then he is not truly submitting. It cannot be enforced upon a person. A dominant cannot force a submissive to submit to her. She can make him do what she wants but that is not true submission. Either a man submits of his own free will or he doesn't submit at all. It is a submissive's to give and not for a dominant to take.

From the answers I received from my submissive male friends, it is evident that the desire to submit is natural to them. They are naturally inclined toward pleasing and satisfying women. Knowing who they are and what they want, they have made a choice to be led by women. My question to them was why they would choose to surrender power to a dominant. It takes a special someone and strength to submit and the answers I got, show just how special and lovely these men are.

Monday, 12 August 2013

The unexpected hots for chastity

"My cock is your cock!" SS said to me one Saturday morning. These have got to be the sexiest words a man has ever said to me. I was leisurely laying on the couch, talking to him on the phone. Talking to him was a turn on in itself but when he told me that his cock was mine, I felt turned on like I never had. My heart raced and I felt this intense surge of excitement flow through me that I have never experienced.

"Say it again," I told him.

"My cock is your cock LD!" It sounded even better. The genuineness in his voice, his excitement and willingness in handing over his cock to me, it all excited in a way I had not expected.

Chastity is a kink that had never really appealed to or excited me. I knew about it but to be quite honest, chastity devices freaked me out and I just didn’t really get it. I love cocks and penetrative sex, why would I want my favourite part of a man to be locked away? When Subnumber1 sent me his story, chastity was involved. It got me a bit excited but didn’t quite pique my interest in chastity. During our first meeting, Becks had proposed that I take control of his orgasms. I was not too thrilled about this either. When we went back to his place, he showed me a piece of his chastity device. I didn’t get what excitement the metal device he had spent quite a bit on was about. Then, I met SS and I will never look at chastity the same way.

As soon as I read SS' first message to me, I viewed his Fetlife profile. There were plenty of photos of him playing with his many toys, chastity devices included. There was a link to his Tumblr which I viewed and found even more photos of him caged and other men as well. It was clear that he was heavily into chastity. Was he one of the many subs looking for a keyholder, was that why he approached me? His message had not given any indication of this but I could not help but wonder. I was not sure how to take it even though he was only interested in chatting.

Thursday, 8 August 2013

The trial weekend ~ Saturday Part 3

Mark went to the bathroom. He looked at his back and butt in the mirror and could see the red belts from the riding crop. Strange, but he felt kind of proud, like they were a badge of honor. He cleaned himself up and put on appropriate clothes for a restaurant. Ava was already dressed. She was wearing a sexy top, body hugging skirt, and a more practical pair of heels. He couldn’t help but lust over her. She enjoyed the attention, laughed and told him, “Come on darling, let's go." 

She had never referred to him as darling but he quite liked it, just as he had sub.

She asked him to drive to one of the city’s famous Indian restaurants. She knew that he was not a fan of Indian food but it was her favourite and he figured that it was not about him. He liked how she made that decision.

She told him that he could speak freely whilst they were at the restaurant. She asked him if it was going as he expected and if he was enjoying himself. He told her that he really didn't know what to expect and that it had been a bit of a shock to his system.

"Good, you spend way too much time in your comfort zone. You didn't answer my question, are you enjoying yourself so far?"

"I wasn't enjoying myself when you disciplined me, but now that it is over, I am glad we did it.  I just would prefer to avoid these punishments."

"Well, you have to understand that if you want to be trained to my standards I will be expecting the highest standards from you. You can't expect to do it on your own. You need my help, and I will discipline you out of love."

Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Taking a break from my search

I have decided to take another break from my search for a submissive partner. I took one in January and resumed it in early May because I was focusing on myself. If I already had one, why do I need another one? I am not quite sure why. I guess it is due to a combination of various things but mostly my heart is just not in actively looking at the moment and I would rather focus on other areas of my life that require my attention.

My life is a bit hectic at the moment as I try and juggle studies and work at the same time. I am still getting a hang of things, trying to find and settle into a routine that will work for me for the next three and a half months. My studies are my first priority at the moment, everything else coming after.

I met with three prospective subs in the last 2 months but they all didn't pan out as I had hoped.

- Harley Sub: He contacted me via Alt. I have written more about what transpired between us here. I knew that we could not have anything long term however, I found myself very attracted to the prospect of playing with him especially since he admitted that my darkest fantasies turned him on and he was very keen to experiment with me. We also got along very well when we met and the chemistry was definitely there. We discussed the prospect of making him mine. He told me that he had already given himself to me even before our meeting. I was aware that he was seeing three women on and off, he had been honest about this. I asked him whether he would stop seeing them and focus exclusively on me. He thought about it and his answer was that he could not commit to exclusivity. I was not disappointed by his reply. I had seen it coming, this was after all one of my earlier concerns, and would have frankly been very surprised if he said that he would commit to it.

Saturday, 3 August 2013

Please let me cum

"Please let me cum," Harley Sub asked seated on the couch across me.

"Nope," I answered.

"Are you really not going to let me cum?"

"I don’t really feel like it."

He stood up as though this would make me sympathise with him. I looked at him pretending to be oblivious and unmoved by his predicament. Finally, I stood up and walked to him. He had his hands in his pockets and was trying to give his cock some relief.

"Did I say you could play with your cock?" I sternly asked him looking him in the eye.

"No." With that he took his hands out of his pocket and obediently stood at attention.

"Much better."

"You are really enjoying this aren’t you?"

"Of course," I replied as I felt his erection through his jeans and rubbed it through them. He moaned. I had not anticipated how sexy it would be watching him beg me to let him cum. Much older than me and a very alpha male in his vanilla life, I was thoroughly enjoying hearing him beg me to let him cum and his frustration as I taunted him with the possibility that he was not going to get to cum.

Wednesday, 31 July 2013

The trial weekend ~ Saturday Part 2

“It is a little chilly in here and I don't want you catching a cold. You are to be naked in the house all weekend, so turn on the heater and put your clothes in the laundry basket. Close all the curtains and switch off your phone. I don’t want any interruptions this weekend.” Ava told Mark.

“Yes my lady,” he answered as he quickly did as she asked.

She stared at his naked body and his erection for the first time. She smiled and asked him how long it had been since he came. He told her that he last came earlier in the week after masturbating. She may not have had sex with him but she had not prohibited him from masturbating as much as the thought of it had excited her. She asked when he last had sex and he told her that it had been four months. She believed him. He had proved to be a man of his word. She appreciated that he had not had sex with anyone else during the time they had been seeing each other, despite having needs. At that moment, he was horny as hell which was how she wanted him.

“Go to the bathroom and run me a bubble bath. When you have done that put on this blindfold and stand beside me whilst I enjoy my bath.”

He quickly rushed to the bathroom, turned on the tap, poured into the bath her bubble bath and waited for the bath to fill. He made sure that the temperature was just right for her. Pleased that he had done a good job, he put on the blindfold and got on his knees. She came into the bathroom and he could hear her undress and get into the bath.

Sunday, 28 July 2013


Zeta515, (his Collarme and Literotica handles), another dear friend of mine, and I were chatting as we usually do from time to time when time permits. I am in Cape Town and he, Los Angeles.  A 10 hour difference makes it a bit difficult to chat whenever we would like to. Off from work one morning and just before he went to bed, we found an opportunity to chat. What was an innocent chat took a rather unexpected and interesting twist. I asked him to send me a report of our chat so that I could post it on the blog. He gladly complied and I couldn't have been more pleased when I received it. He is a very good writer and some more of his writing about his submissive fantasies can be found on his Literotica page. His writing is quite lengthy but nevertheless very well written and interesting.

"The most important sex organ. Type it in on Google and what do you get? Tons of listings from physiologists and therapists telling you it’s your brain. Neither surprising nor sexy, but nonetheless probably true. However what they really mean is the mind.  Yes, the mind is not an organ (like the brain), but this is really where all the action happens.

Reading LD’s blog puts a new perspective on this. It’s clear that she has struggled to define what being a domme means to her and to reconcile her own interpretation with the stereotypical image of such a woman that is so ubiquitous on the internet. Reconciling one’s own perspective with an expected but unrealistic stereotype is never an easy task. Great mental effort and much thought are usually required to make the necessary intellectual hurdles necessary to gain and maintain a reasonable perspective. Implicit in this mental challenge is what it means to be dominant and how to exercise one’s dominance.

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Chastity contract between LD and SS

I truthfully did not expect to enjoy playing with SS and chastity as much as I did, I write more about my feelings in this post. I however enjoyed it so much that a day before our 2 week arrangement was up, I asked him for control of his cock indefinitely until I got into a relationship. I must admit, it was a selfish request on my part. I would end up leaving him when I met someone and that would be somewhat difficult on him given how emotionally attached we had already become to each other and were bound to deeper become if we further explored this. He would be left alone and I would have someone.

Owning his cock indefinitely would be a big move and asking a lot of him. I was prepared for him to turn me down. He however welcomed the proposal, understanding the realities that came with it, another thing I liked about him. He asked that I write a chastity contract to guide us and our relationship. It was a reasonable request and I agreed to it.

I turned to the internet to look for a chastity contract that would work for us. While I did find many examples of chastity contracts, I didn’t think they would suit us. I wanted a chastity contract that was simple, unique to and reflected us and our relationship. Not finding what I wanted online, I was hit by the reality that I would have to write one. I am not really good at writing contracts so this was a task I was greatly dreading.

I have to admit, I did postpone it a bit given my dreading but I finally sat down one day and drafted one. The dread slowly evaporated and as I wrote a contract that would suit us, I found the experience highly intimate and erotic. I kept it very simple and liked most that it reflected our needs, situation and made provisions for where compromises needed to be made.

Monday, 22 July 2013

The trial weekend ~ Saturday Part 1

When Mark woke up, Ava was still snuggling and spooning him.

“Good morning, did you sleep well?” She asked.

“I did, eventually, although our talk last night kept me awake thinking for ages.”

“Well, I did give you a lot to think about. Why don't you pop into the kitchen and make us some breakfast and we can talk more about it. We will both have a bowl of cereal with warm milk, orange juice and slices of watermelon.”

He happily obliged and disappeared to the kitchen. She leisurely lay in bed wondering what had gone through his mind last night. She had given him a lot to think about. He was still there so that was a good sign. She still had a lot more to give him to think about. She had a good feeling about how he would receive it.

When he came back with their breakfast, she complimented him on them, telling him that they looked lovely. He had taken his time to make sure that they were well presented on the breakfast trays. She sat up on her bed and he carefully placed her tray on her lap. She asked him to join her in bed. He got into her bed and they talked as they ate.

“So, how do you feel about what we discussed yesterday?”

“I am sort of keen about the idea, but I have a few concerns.”

“Good! You should be concerned.”

Friday, 19 July 2013

SS introduces me on his blog

Owning SS' cock saw me give him various tasks. His writing brought me great pleasure and I wanted him to let the followers of his blog know that his cock was owned by me so I asked him to introduce me on his blog as one of his four tasks for the day. His first task was to take a sexy photo of my caged cock for his blog. His second task was to reset the orgasm counter on his blog. His third task was to introduce me as his cock's owner in a post. His fourth task was to in another post, share how I got to own his cock, what it had been like for him so far and what his future hopes for our relationship were.

Below are his submissions for Task 3 and 4:

Task 3
"Introducing Miss LD - the owner and keeper of my cock. 

My cock is hers, to do with as she pleases, when she pleases. Currently she has her cock locked away in chastity. Despite the cage, I am not allowed to touch her cock unless she gives me permission.

Today is day 18. We are only halfway from the earliest possible release."

Task 4
What makes a sub give control of his cock to another person? Especially a person he has never met? Why did he sign a contract with this person that gives up control indefinitely?

This is what my new Domme, Miss LD, wants to know. What goes on in a submissive male's head that would make this seem like a good idea?

Tuesday, 16 July 2013

SS, a week into chastity

A week into owning SS' cock, I asked SS to send me a report on what the first week of giving control of his cock to me was like for him. My requests for reports started off as a way of getting to know what was going through his mind and gaining further insight into chastity as well as male submission. I however did not anticipate how hot and bothered the reports would make me feel given their intimate nature and reaffirming his submission to me. Knowing the effect my control over him had made it impossible not to get excited as I read each report and play after if I had the chance to. SS had such a beautiful way with words and with each report, I found myself getting the warm and fuzzies, liking him even more.


Just a rambling report on the last 7 days.

When you first hinted that I should give up control of my cock to you (and make it your cock), my heart went crazy. Isn't that every sub's dream - giving up control. But as with most things, the brain is a little slow off the mark, and after the initial excitement the rational side kicks in. What are the implications? What are the risks? What could go wrong? There is a certain trust component in giving up control. And that's maybe why I like it so much.

Sure, I get to satisfy my desires (as odd as they might seem to others) of giving up control, but I also get to place myself in the hands of someone else and expose myself. That sense of vulnerability itself is a turn on - not knowing what will happen, not being in control (as a male, society dictates that we be in control).

Saturday, 13 July 2013

The trial weekend ~ Friday

“Mark, I want a man who adores me, who understands what it means to truly be in awe of me,” Ava told him as they lay in bed.

Their first date was a success. It was such a success that it led to one date after another. They got on well and better with every interaction, they found each other liking each other more and more. They were attracted to each other emotionally, physically and intellectually. Mark was every bit a gentleman towards her. He kept his promise. He respected her desire to remain celibate and he never pressured her to have sex with him. This isn’t to say that there was no sexual attraction between them. There was a lot of sexual tension between them and every time she was with him, she greatly fought the urge to rip his clothes off and have wild passionate sex with him wherever they were. She however practiced great restraint, focusing on the bigger picture as opposed to a few hours of pleasure.

Mark asked her to be exclusive with him two months after they first met. He made it clear that his intention was not to trap her into a false sense of commitment so that he could have sex with her but rather he wanted to only see her and have her only see him. He was ready to continue waiting until she felt she was ready. She had been chatting with other submissive men online but she was not seeing anyone else and she couldn’t think of a more perfect partner in the vanilla sense to get into a vanilla relationship with.

Although he was 20 years her senior, they got along very well. He had admitted that she was mature for her age. He was attentive, considerate, generous, had a sense of humour and friendly. He was successful and was always open to sharing with her everything he knew. He made her happy and at times very mad. It was however very hard to stay mad at him when he apologised and used all her weakness to get back into her good graces.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

SS gives me control of his cock

SS' first day in chastity for me
SS became a part of my routine and me his. Every free moment we could spare was spent chatting. He seemed eager for my attention and I enjoyed giving it to him. I would affectionately tell him that he suffered from OSS, Only Sub Syndrome.

One evening, an innocent chat, well at least to me, resulted in him getting slightly hard and drippy. Him getting hard and drippy was not new to us. It happened every time I teased him and I found great pleasure in knowing that I had such an effect on him. He blamed his erection on me as he excused himself so that he could go to the bathroom and relieve himself. I was teasing when I told him to sit down and he asked whether I was taking control of his orgasms. I hadn’t thought of it that way and I wasn’t thinking when I asked him whether he wanted to hand them to me. He said that he had to think about it as he suspected it would cause him torment. Sweet torment I told him it would be.

He didn’t think long because in a few minutes, he agreed to give me a chance. I thought he had finally learnt to play along to my teasing. I played along as well. I laughed and asked him whether he was serious. I was not. I had no idea about anything to do with chastity and I knew that it was his main interest. It would have to be a part of his orgasm control. I seemed to have the teasing part covered but chastity and denial, I had a long way to go with.

Turns out he was not joking. Just as he wasn’t joking when he said that he takes everything at face value. I found myself in a bit of a predicament having taken the teasing a bit too far. I was not quite ready to take control of his orgasms. What did I know about chastity after all? Did I even want to learn about it? It just seemed so unsexy restricting my favourite part of a man’s body. I however decided to step out of my comfort zone and experience something I never had. I found myself keen to understand what it was about chastity that got him so excited and whether there was anything in it for me. Perhaps I could learn and acquire a new interest.

Sunday, 7 July 2013

SS - Sexy Sub

few days before last year ended, I received a message on Fetlife from a married submissive man. In the message he mentioned that he was of two minds contacting me because he did not meet the requirements stipulated in my profile. He however wanted to compliment me on my profile and perhaps chat some time. My downward spiral was beginning and I didn’t really feel like interacting with anyone, leave alone a fellow kinkster. I politely replied, let him know that I was going through some personal drama and wasn’t sure whether I was in the position to interact. He pleasantly replied and told me that I could have all the time and space I wanted and if I ever wanted to chat about what I was going through with a stranger, he would be all ears. Bless him.

I did not reply as things were getting more and more intense in my personal life. When I got out of my low, feeling better about myself, my kinky self returning and urge for dominance getting stronger, I remembered him and sent him a reply after almost six weeks. He replied again, very pleasantly. Unfortunately I did not have a stable internet connection so we didn't really keep in regular contact. He patiently waited for me to sort out my internet woes and we got in contact again.

We found ourselves chatting with each other daily and I really enjoyed his online company. I was open with him about the challenges I had faced and I was touched that he would hear me out and offer words of support and encouragement. We also chatted about kink and he admitted that I was unlike any other dominant lady he had been in contact with him. He would frustrate me when he made references to stereotypical femdom. I almost ceased communication with him because of them. I wanted him to be able to see beyond the stereotypical femdom to realistic femdom which was what I was interested in. It was difficult for him at first because of what he had learnt from femdom literature and other dominant ladies he had interacted with. He was however eager to learn about my style and was very open minded.

Thursday, 4 July 2013

An unexpected meeting

He asked whether he could join her and share her table. The restaurant was full and there were no free tables.

"Sure," she replied with a smile and got back to the novel she was reading and music she was listening to on her iPod. Her heart raced a bit. She'd seen him at the restaurant before and found him very attractive. She was five months into her celibacy and while she was voluntarily abstaining form sex, it did not mean that she could not appreciate his physical attractiveness. When he sat down across her, she found herself just staring at her novel. She wasn't really reading it. She sneaked a peek at him and noticed his piercing blue eyes which were the highlight of his face. She looked below his face and saw that he had a few buttons undone giving her a glimpse of his dark chest hairs. This turned on her on a bit and she found herself undressing him in her mind.  She felt herself get a bit wet.  

She took her mind out of the gutter and got back to actually reading her novel. She was able to resist the naughty thoughts and once again got engrossed in it. If he only knew the thoughts she'd had of him.

She sipped on her cup of cappuccino. She had never been a fan of coffee shops but she found this coffee shop very relaxing especially on Sunday mornings. It was a simple luxury that she had grown to enjoy. The hot summer sun shining so bright, the wind lightly blowing, cars passing by, patrons chatting and laughing away, a stunning view of the mountain, she found great tranquillity in it all.

Slow Indian music played in her ears and unknown to her, she lip synced with a smile on her face. A waitress brought her back to earth, asking if she wanted to order anything else while she took his order. She took off her earphones and with a smile asked for another cappuccino.

"Having a great time as always it seems?" He asked.

Monday, 1 July 2013

Pleasure, pain, passion and power

Subnumber1 (his Fetlife and Collarme handles), a dear friend sent me a short story of what he would like to experience in a femdom relationship. It resonates with me on so many levels as it describes what I would also like to experience. It is not your typical femdom story in which the submissive is degraded, seen as worthless and no emotional or intellectual connection exists between him and his domme as she uses him. He is rather celebrated, loved and his submission greatly cherished. There is an intimate personal connection between him and his domme.

I was to continue the story, giving it my own flavor and send it back to him so that he could add on it and so forth thus sharing our fantasies. Life unfortunately got in the way and I didn’t have the time or feel like doing this as much as I wanted to. Given that I have started my blog and somewhat have the time, this is the perfect opportunity to pick off where we left off.

‘Pleasure, pain, passion and power’ is the name of the story. It is about Ava and Mark who embark on a loving vanilla relationship powered by a strong D/s bond. The power exchange between them is a partnership based on an amazing mixture of acceptance, affection, exploration, vulnerability and mutual growth. It will feature my favourite femdom interests: submission to female authority, servitude, body worship, orgasm control, strapon play, tease and denial, reward and punishment and obedience training. I will also push some of my limits by introducing some of my newly discovered interests: chastity, corporal discipline, light sadism and light watersports.

Friday, 28 June 2013

Dominance and vulnerability

Society imposes roles on men and women alike, forcing us to wear masks that allow us to only show parts of ourselves. D/s allows us to strip off these masks and be ourselves without pretences. It provides a safe environment where each party can be him/herself and be accepted and celebrated for this openness. Displays of vulnerability by submissive men are admired and appreciated. Showing vulnerability by a submissive is seen as strength. The same is unfortunately rarely said for dominant women.

Life in femdom media is portrayed as flowing perfectly, void of problems and distractions. The domme is always in control all the time, she knows what to do and say. We are shown the side of her that is confident, perfect and strong. We are rarely shown the other side of her that needs acceptance, love, comfort, reassurance, support and protection. We are rarely shown her being vulnerable. We are rarely shown her admitting that she at times does not feel so confident or sure. We are rarely shown moments when she falls apart because she is overwhelmed. If she does fall apart, she will stop herself and start apologising for it.

Displaying vulnerability is seen as weak, lowering her “dommliness” and appeal. In a D/s relationship it is seen as a threat that could shift the power balance and shake the foundation of the relationship. After all, how can a dominant effectively be vulnerable and show weakness to her submissive when he relies on her to be in control?

The unfortunate reality however is that life comes with all sorts of problems and distractions and with them come a disruption of both/either of the dominant and/ or submissive’s rhythm. I know this too well.

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

At peace with my dominance like I have never known

Integrating my kinky self into my greater self was one of the least expected results when I decided to reinvent myself earlier in the year. I took a mini break from the world to focus on myself, fall back in love with myself, forgive myself for my mistakes, make amends, get to know and understand myself better, make changes, accept myself completely and unconditionally and find my destiny. When I began the process of reinvention, I honestly did not think that kink would be a part of my destiny. I was determined to divorce kink. I felt like I didn’t fit in the lifestyle, I was not good enough for it. It was time to say bid it goodbye but interestingly, kink had other plans for me and it was not going to sign the divorce papers.

I had made a conscious decision to accept and love myself unconditionally and completely. One of the exercises I did to facilitate this was writing a list of 10 things that I love about myself. I was able to write them down but interestingly, I found myself adding my kinkiness at the bottom of the list, making it 11. Being honest with myself I really did love the fact that I am kinky despite it having not worked out for me as I had hoped. Given my upbringing and background, it made me unique and different and I loved it.

I had decided to be all about living authentically and accepting myself as I was. That had to include accepting my kinky side which I long ago realised is an undeniable part of me.  I had tried severally in the past to neglect, wean myself of my kinky side and I had greatly failed. My kinks made me unique and I had to accept them. For so long I couldn’t accept repressed parts of myself but as my confidence in myself grew, I saw a slow acceptance of a part of me that I had fought, doubted and been ashamed of.  This resulted in quite a few light bulb and aha moments.

Saturday, 22 June 2013

Not domme enough

Having realised that being a dominant is what I identified with and wanted, I was determined to equip myself with as much knowledge on the lifestyle as I could.  I started reading more about femdom and BDSM in general. There is plenty of information out there on the lifestyle. Some of what I came across was outright rubbish and I ignored it. I chose to focus on the “lifestyle experts” and while some of what they shared appealed to me, I could not relate to most of it. What was supposed to empower me as a budding domme ended up making me feel inadequate, lacking in dominance and like there was no place for me in the lifestyle.

I could not identify with the stereotypical domme. I am talking about the domme who is clad in leather, PVC or latex, boots or spiky heels, is whip, paddle or strapon yielding in her dark dungeon. She is strict, no nonsense and unforgiving. She does not show affection or compassion. She is detached, nothing moves her unless she allows it. She has no interest in friendship, romance or love. Her submissive is for her to only use and exploit, she has no further use for him. She is always right, always knows what to say and do. She has an aura of authority, entitlement and expectance. Just because she is a dominant, she expects all submissives to drop to their knees and submit to her. She dominates, gets satisfaction and pleasure from the act of domination and not from the connection with her submissive. She dominates using a sadistic style that degrades and debases him. Her intention is to crush his will and have him submit from a place of destroyed will power.

She has no need for sexual intimacy with her submissive and portrays it is as such a bad thing. He is not allowed to have vaginal sex with her. In order to reinforce that his cock will not be going anywhere near her vagina, he is forced to wear a chastity device or even forced into cuckoldry. If he is lucky enough to penetrate her, he will have to wear a strapon cock to do so. The only type of sex she seems to enjoy is receiving oral sex, anally penetrating him with a strapon or sex with her bull. Blowjobs are considered sinful, meant to be forgotten, leave alone mentioned. The only blowjobs he will be giving will be to her strapon cock before she fucks him or the bull that will or has pleasured her. She only allows him a few orgasms in a year and if she allows him to orgasm, it will have to be in humiliating way. She is of the opinion that allowing herself to let him orgasm and enjoy his orgasms, let him vaginally penetrate her and give him blowjobs or tit jobs will decrease her dominance and authority over him.

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Guilt and shame

I am not quite sure what triggered my interest in femdom but a switch definitely went off in me the day I discovered and watched femdom porn for the first time. Vanilla porn had for a while lost its appeal to me and I was trawling the internet for something that was different and more stimulating. That is how I came across it.

I was turned on and put off at the same time. It was your typical leather clad, ice queen, bitchy domme using and abusing her worthless idiotic submissive and that aspect of it did nothing for me, it in fact put me off. The idea however of a woman dominating a man was new to me and beyond exciting. I found myself masturbating to it with an unknown to me vigour and I came in two minutes.

The orgasm was unlike any I had ever had. It was intense, earth shattering, I screamed, I was sweating, I was shaking. It took a while for me to regain my composure and when I did, I felt guilty and embarrassed for having it enjoyed the idea of a woman dominating a man the way I way I did. I was not to repeat this, it was "wrong" and breached on what is "socially acceptable". My culture and religion dictate that a man should be the head of the relationship. That was the "right way" and I was expected not to go against it. I was not going to go against it. What happened was a moment of weakness and I wouldn't let it happen again, that was what I told myself.

Vanilla porn completely lost its appeal after that night. I tried to get myself to enjoy it but it was pointless. I found myself craving the orgasm I had the night I watched the kinky femdom video but at the same time, I reminded myself that it was wrong. I was able to somewhat fight the urge but not for long.

I tried to rationalise with myself. This was just for masturbatory purposes, I didn’t really want it in real life so, what was the harm in it? With that, every time I was frisky I masturbated to kinky porn and my masturbatory routine changed, vanilla porn being bid goodbye.

Sunday, 16 June 2013

Body image and self acceptance

Society and the media constantly create limits on what is acceptable and not. This has played a great role in how I and many other women view ourselves. The ideal body image was introduced to me at an early age and has been consistent throughout my life. I bought into concepts of what is perfect and ideal for body shape and beauty. As a full figured young lady, I do not fit into the ideal and for so long I spent so much time wishing that I looked different. For so long, I was obsessed with the perfect and ideal and tried to desperately fit into it. The sad reality was that I knew that the body image portrayed in the media is false, unattainable for my many, myself included, but I still constantly battled and tried to achieve this image that would be acceptable to society. I fooled myself into thinking that I would be much happier if I lost the extra weight. I started believing that I would never really be attractive, loveable and that life would not be great until I lost my extra weight.

For most of my life, I had fooled myself into thinking that I loved myself. That was until something tested that thinking. My feelings would be greatly hurt when: the perfect and ideal body image was repeatedly thwarted in my face all over the media, my family, friends and strangers would criticise my weight, I was disqualified by prospective dates because of my weight, clothing stores carried a limited and boring range of clothes for full figured women etc. I have been an unbelievably self conscious person all my life. I come from a background where impressions and appearances are incredibly important. We have been taught to be conscious about how we look and behave around others. Because of this, I made excuses for how I looked and acted when it fell short of the ideals. Looking back, what a turn off that must have been to others who couldn't be bothered.

As the last three and a half years went by, I put on an incredible amount of weight and this led to me hating what I saw when I looked at myself in the mirror. All I saw were the stretchmarks, uneven skin tone, cellulite and many other imperfections. They made me sick. I couldn’t stand looking at my body in the mirror, leave alone in photos. I did not unconditionally love myself. I greatly relied on others to reassure myself of my physical desirability and worthiness of love. These were major blocks to my happiness and awareness. Rejecting and criticising my flaws caused me to doubt and criticise myself even more.

Thursday, 13 June 2013

A different outlook, part 2

I have not allowed myself to fall in love in 4 years and even the last time I was in love, I didn’t allow myself to completely let go. I was painfully hurt by an abusive partner. Our relationship should have led to marriage but he relapsed and returned to abusing drugs. Coming from a previous relationship where I had been hurt, it took a lot to love again and it hurt even more, broke my heart into a million pieces when he repeatedly threw away everything we had worked so hard for by using repeatedly and not being able to beat his demons. I closed my heart off love after that. I was not ready to be hurt again, I was not going to be hurt again.

After him, I got into shallow relationships. Two, were D/s relationships, me being the dominant and the rest vanilla NSA ones focusing on casual sex. I stopped focusing on emotions and romance and instead on the gratification of my physical needs. I withheld my true emotions and gave little emotion wise. While I was affectionate and friendly with my partners, that was all I gave. There were opportunities for commitment and love but I didn’t want them. I in fact sabotaged them. I had decided that I would be hurt, disappointed and I would not let that happen if I could help it. In every relationship I got into after my ex fiance, I made sure that I knew where the exit doors were. If I was not happy with the relationship, I would simply walk away. I also was not monogamous and would see more than one partner at a time. If it didn’t work with one, I had a back up.

Despite having explored my sexuality greatly in the last four years, I realised I was emotionally very empty. I had stopped believing in love, I had stopped believing in marriage as an institute. I became a cynic towards love and marriage. The current high divorce rates which seem to be only getting higher disheartened me as well as made a mockery of an institute I consider sacred. The biggest irony however was that I really wanted to fall in love and get married in future. Deep down, I am a huge romantic, a hopeless one at that but I closed that side of me. I preferred thinking that I was competent enough to do anything and take care of my emotional needs, that I didn’t really need a partner to be fulfilled. The lies I told myself. Deep down, I wanted to connect with my partners on a deeper level and not the superficial level I had been but I would not allow myself to. I had been hurt and it was risky letting my guard down. It was best not to deeply trust.

Monday, 10 June 2013

A different outlook, part 1

Sometimes we have to be broken before we can be rebuilt stronger and better. Sometimes we have to be brought to our knees before we can rise. I never thought it would be possible but I have seen a lot of good come from the suffering I have been through. Once again, I have learnt that everything happens for a reason and that time is the revealer of all reasons.

As my psychologist said, I am fortunate that I am usually able to figure out things quickly and by myself most of the time. After my moment of clarity and emotional breakthrough, my outlook in life drastically changed and for the better. It’s unfortunate that I had to be broken to change but I would never trade the process that got me where I am currently. While my failures were painful, I now see them as liberating as they gave me an opportunity to feel all the emotions I had been keeping at bay. Honouring and listening to my feelings, being honest with myself has allowed me to take control of my life and embrace myself. It has helped me grow in self love, confidence and acceptance. It has made me the strongest, happiest and most self aware I have ever been. It has enabled me to recognise my humanity and given me a healthier perspective of myself and others. It has brought me to a new whole level in life.

I had not been aware of how many areas in my life had been negatively impacted over the last 3 and a half years. I came to realise just how bad things had become. My relationship with myself, my relationships with my family and friends, my ambitions for my career and relationships had all been affected.

Thursday, 6 June 2013

Pressing the reset button

I got and rode on an emotional rollercoaster in January. I looked into my heart and didn’t like what I saw. I couldn’t look into it anymore. I would ruin myself if I did. I had done enough for the time being and I could deal with the rest later. I could make small changes then, everything after all starts with baby steps, and make more major changes later. This was what I told myself when the temptation of running away, not wanting any more hurt, crept in.

I had done many things wrong. Things I regretted deeply, wished I could take back. Things I could not share with another soul. I had already seen how greatly I had failed myself and others. I did not need to look further into my heart.

Running away seemed like an easy and attractive option but just when I was set on it, something stopped me in my tracks. Something in me told me that I could do this, that I was strong enough to even though I thought I wasn’t. A lingering and unidentifiable motivation would not let me run away like I had in the past. I had to go all the way. It would be painful and difficult but I would look back on the hardships I had been through and be grateful someday. That was what the motivation told me.

Grudgingly but fearlessly, I decided to go all in into my heart and self reflected further. It was not easy at first but as the days went by, I realised something. I could start over again. I needed to accept my failures, forgive myself, find my destiny and start following my dreams again. Happiness, my dreams and desires may have seemed impossible at the time but they certainly were not out of my reach. I simply needed to do some planning and take some serious action.

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Facing my harshest critic

"The only limits I believe you will face in life will be the ones that you put on yourself," a friend told me late last year. I didn't take him seriously and I assumed that he said this in response to my being more open minded about certain kinks I had previously seen as hard limits. Kinks that I hadn't been interested in before or ever saw myself ever being interested in with time.

He went on to tell me that he was not just referring to my kinks but my life in general. "What did he know about my life?" I wondered. He had just been in it for 2 weeks and our friendship was indulged online. Continents away we had never met so what could he possibly know about my life?

External limits aside, I came to realise that I had imposed many limits on myself. The external limits may have slowed me down but my self imposed limits held me back. 

The last 3 and a half years have been extremely difficult. While I was able to deal with the stress somewhat better than I had before, I lost myself in the process. It dawned on me that my self love, esteem and confidence had taken a brutal beating. I had stopped being as excited, motivated and optimistic as I had once been. In many areas of my life I stopped dreaming. My dreams and desires seemed so impossible and out of reach that I just stopped trying. I stopped hoping for things because of the fear of not getting them and being let down. Let down I had been one too many times.

So much had gone wrong and I got used to finding it easier and better to give up faith and let things happen if and when they were going to happen. I would not look forward to them as I would probably end up disappointed. Disappointed I had been one too many times.

I settled for a lot less despite the persistent feeling that it wasn't for me. Merely getting by in life I was.

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Inspired in ways he will never know

"Either you accept your body as it is or do something about it." "I don't like that you don't take compliments." Becks said to me last Christmas among other things. I am nicknaming him Becks because Beck's is his favourite non alcoholic beer and like the real Becks, he is English.. We were having a conversation about my then negative body image. He was sympathetic but at the same time brutally honest with me, something very few people in my life have the courage to do. He gently criticised and gave his soft version of tough love rather graciously. That talk I will cherish for the rest of my life because it made me make many changes in my life that led to me being where I am at the moment, content and the happiest I have ever been. Becks being in my life, as brief as it was, inspired me in ways that he will never know.

Last December I was randomly browsing through a rather seedy adult site, with the no expectation of finding an ad that caught my eye. Bored of the same type of ads and about to leave the site, I came across his, one of the best ads by a submissive man I had come across on the site. My heart really was not in D/s dating at the time but for some reason I replied. I was simply tired of the cock pics, one liners, one night standers, thrill seekers, so you can imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when I found out that the person on the other side was not just kinky but intelligent, interesting, fun and could actually type more than a few lines. It was absolutely refreshing.

Within almost 2 weeks of chatting we decided to meet and it was by far one of the best first meetings I have been on. Conversation naturally flowed about any and everything and for the first time in my life I felt like I could be very open with someone about my life, vanilla and kinky and what a wonderful feeling that was. What struck me most was that we had fun and laughed away without a care in the world. He spoke his mind freely and was evidently proud of his submission, something I greatly appreciated. He ticked so many boxes on my ideal submissive list but I was not looking for a relationship at the time. I was suffering from so much burn out that I was just not ready to take a chance.