Friday, 28 June 2013

Dominance and vulnerability

Society imposes roles on men and women alike, forcing us to wear masks that allow us to only show parts of ourselves. D/s allows us to strip off these masks and be ourselves without pretences. It provides a safe environment where each party can be him/herself and be accepted and celebrated for this openness. Displays of vulnerability by submissive men are admired and appreciated. Showing vulnerability by a submissive is seen as strength. The same is unfortunately rarely said for dominant women.

Life in femdom media is portrayed as flowing perfectly, void of problems and distractions. The domme is always in control all the time, she knows what to do and say. We are shown the side of her that is confident, perfect and strong. We are rarely shown the other side of her that needs acceptance, love, comfort, reassurance, support and protection. We are rarely shown her being vulnerable. We are rarely shown her admitting that she at times does not feel so confident or sure. We are rarely shown moments when she falls apart because she is overwhelmed. If she does fall apart, she will stop herself and start apologising for it.

Displaying vulnerability is seen as weak, lowering her “dommliness” and appeal. In a D/s relationship it is seen as a threat that could shift the power balance and shake the foundation of the relationship. After all, how can a dominant effectively be vulnerable and show weakness to her submissive when he relies on her to be in control?

The unfortunate reality however is that life comes with all sorts of problems and distractions and with them come a disruption of both/either of the dominant and/ or submissive’s rhythm. I know this too well.

Tuesday, 25 June 2013

At peace with my dominance like I have never known

Integrating my kinky self into my greater self was one of the least expected results when I decided to reinvent myself earlier in the year. I took a mini break from the world to focus on myself, fall back in love with myself, forgive myself for my mistakes, make amends, get to know and understand myself better, make changes, accept myself completely and unconditionally and find my destiny. When I began the process of reinvention, I honestly did not think that kink would be a part of my destiny. I was determined to divorce kink. I felt like I didn’t fit in the lifestyle, I was not good enough for it. It was time to say bid it goodbye but interestingly, kink had other plans for me and it was not going to sign the divorce papers.

I had made a conscious decision to accept and love myself unconditionally and completely. One of the exercises I did to facilitate this was writing a list of 10 things that I love about myself. I was able to write them down but interestingly, I found myself adding my kinkiness at the bottom of the list, making it 11. Being honest with myself I really did love the fact that I am kinky despite it having not worked out for me as I had hoped. Given my upbringing and background, it made me unique and different and I loved it.

I had decided to be all about living authentically and accepting myself as I was. That had to include accepting my kinky side which I long ago realised is an undeniable part of me.  I had tried severally in the past to neglect, wean myself of my kinky side and I had greatly failed. My kinks made me unique and I had to accept them. For so long I couldn’t accept repressed parts of myself but as my confidence in myself grew, I saw a slow acceptance of a part of me that I had fought, doubted and been ashamed of.  This resulted in quite a few light bulb and aha moments.

Saturday, 22 June 2013

Not domme enough

Having realised that being a dominant is what I identified with and wanted, I was determined to equip myself with as much knowledge on the lifestyle as I could.  I started reading more about femdom and BDSM in general. There is plenty of information out there on the lifestyle. Some of what I came across was outright rubbish and I ignored it. I chose to focus on the “lifestyle experts” and while some of what they shared appealed to me, I could not relate to most of it. What was supposed to empower me as a budding domme ended up making me feel inadequate, lacking in dominance and like there was no place for me in the lifestyle.

I could not identify with the stereotypical domme. I am talking about the domme who is clad in leather, PVC or latex, boots or spiky heels, is whip, paddle or strapon yielding in her dark dungeon. She is strict, no nonsense and unforgiving. She does not show affection or compassion. She is detached, nothing moves her unless she allows it. She has no interest in friendship, romance or love. Her submissive is for her to only use and exploit, she has no further use for him. She is always right, always knows what to say and do. She has an aura of authority, entitlement and expectance. Just because she is a dominant, she expects all submissives to drop to their knees and submit to her. She dominates, gets satisfaction and pleasure from the act of domination and not from the connection with her submissive. She dominates using a sadistic style that degrades and debases him. Her intention is to crush his will and have him submit from a place of destroyed will power.

She has no need for sexual intimacy with her submissive and portrays it is as such a bad thing. He is not allowed to have vaginal sex with her. In order to reinforce that his cock will not be going anywhere near her vagina, he is forced to wear a chastity device or even forced into cuckoldry. If he is lucky enough to penetrate her, he will have to wear a strapon cock to do so. The only type of sex she seems to enjoy is receiving oral sex, anally penetrating him with a strapon or sex with her bull. Blowjobs are considered sinful, meant to be forgotten, leave alone mentioned. The only blowjobs he will be giving will be to her strapon cock before she fucks him or the bull that will or has pleasured her. She only allows him a few orgasms in a year and if she allows him to orgasm, it will have to be in humiliating way. She is of the opinion that allowing herself to let him orgasm and enjoy his orgasms, let him vaginally penetrate her and give him blowjobs or tit jobs will decrease her dominance and authority over him.

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

Guilt and shame

I am not quite sure what triggered my interest in femdom but a switch definitely went off in me the day I discovered and watched femdom porn for the first time. Vanilla porn had for a while lost its appeal to me and I was trawling the internet for something that was different and more stimulating. That is how I came across it.

I was turned on and put off at the same time. It was your typical leather clad, ice queen, bitchy domme using and abusing her worthless idiotic submissive and that aspect of it did nothing for me, it in fact put me off. The idea however of a woman dominating a man was new to me and beyond exciting. I found myself masturbating to it with an unknown to me vigour and I came in two minutes.

The orgasm was unlike any I had ever had. It was intense, earth shattering, I screamed, I was sweating, I was shaking. It took a while for me to regain my composure and when I did, I felt guilty and embarrassed for having it enjoyed the idea of a woman dominating a man the way I way I did. I was not to repeat this, it was "wrong" and breached on what is "socially acceptable". My culture and religion dictate that a man should be the head of the relationship. That was the "right way" and I was expected not to go against it. I was not going to go against it. What happened was a moment of weakness and I wouldn't let it happen again, that was what I told myself.

Vanilla porn completely lost its appeal after that night. I tried to get myself to enjoy it but it was pointless. I found myself craving the orgasm I had the night I watched the kinky femdom video but at the same time, I reminded myself that it was wrong. I was able to somewhat fight the urge but not for long.

I tried to rationalise with myself. This was just for masturbatory purposes, I didn’t really want it in real life so, what was the harm in it? With that, every time I was frisky I masturbated to kinky porn and my masturbatory routine changed, vanilla porn being bid goodbye.

Sunday, 16 June 2013

Body image and self acceptance

Society and the media constantly create limits on what is acceptable and not. This has played a great role in how I and many other women view ourselves. The ideal body image was introduced to me at an early age and has been consistent throughout my life. I bought into concepts of what is perfect and ideal for body shape and beauty. As a full figured young lady, I do not fit into the ideal and for so long I spent so much time wishing that I looked different. For so long, I was obsessed with the perfect and ideal and tried to desperately fit into it. The sad reality was that I knew that the body image portrayed in the media is false, unattainable for my many, myself included, but I still constantly battled and tried to achieve this image that would be acceptable to society. I fooled myself into thinking that I would be much happier if I lost the extra weight. I started believing that I would never really be attractive, loveable and that life would not be great until I lost my extra weight.

For most of my life, I had fooled myself into thinking that I loved myself. That was until something tested that thinking. My feelings would be greatly hurt when: the perfect and ideal body image was repeatedly thwarted in my face all over the media, my family, friends and strangers would criticise my weight, I was disqualified by prospective dates because of my weight, clothing stores carried a limited and boring range of clothes for full figured women etc. I have been an unbelievably self conscious person all my life. I come from a background where impressions and appearances are incredibly important. We have been taught to be conscious about how we look and behave around others. Because of this, I made excuses for how I looked and acted when it fell short of the ideals. Looking back, what a turn off that must have been to others who couldn't be bothered.

As the last three and a half years went by, I put on an incredible amount of weight and this led to me hating what I saw when I looked at myself in the mirror. All I saw were the stretchmarks, uneven skin tone, cellulite and many other imperfections. They made me sick. I couldn’t stand looking at my body in the mirror, leave alone in photos. I did not unconditionally love myself. I greatly relied on others to reassure myself of my physical desirability and worthiness of love. These were major blocks to my happiness and awareness. Rejecting and criticising my flaws caused me to doubt and criticise myself even more.

Thursday, 13 June 2013

A different outlook, part 2

I have not allowed myself to fall in love in 4 years and even the last time I was in love, I didn’t allow myself to completely let go. I was painfully hurt by an abusive partner. Our relationship should have led to marriage but he relapsed and returned to abusing drugs. Coming from a previous relationship where I had been hurt, it took a lot to love again and it hurt even more, broke my heart into a million pieces when he repeatedly threw away everything we had worked so hard for by using repeatedly and not being able to beat his demons. I closed my heart off love after that. I was not ready to be hurt again, I was not going to be hurt again.

After him, I got into shallow relationships. Two, were D/s relationships, me being the dominant and the rest vanilla NSA ones focusing on casual sex. I stopped focusing on emotions and romance and instead on the gratification of my physical needs. I withheld my true emotions and gave little emotion wise. While I was affectionate and friendly with my partners, that was all I gave. There were opportunities for commitment and love but I didn’t want them. I in fact sabotaged them. I had decided that I would be hurt, disappointed and I would not let that happen if I could help it. In every relationship I got into after my ex fiance, I made sure that I knew where the exit doors were. If I was not happy with the relationship, I would simply walk away. I also was not monogamous and would see more than one partner at a time. If it didn’t work with one, I had a back up.

Despite having explored my sexuality greatly in the last four years, I realised I was emotionally very empty. I had stopped believing in love, I had stopped believing in marriage as an institute. I became a cynic towards love and marriage. The current high divorce rates which seem to be only getting higher disheartened me as well as made a mockery of an institute I consider sacred. The biggest irony however was that I really wanted to fall in love and get married in future. Deep down, I am a huge romantic, a hopeless one at that but I closed that side of me. I preferred thinking that I was competent enough to do anything and take care of my emotional needs, that I didn’t really need a partner to be fulfilled. The lies I told myself. Deep down, I wanted to connect with my partners on a deeper level and not the superficial level I had been but I would not allow myself to. I had been hurt and it was risky letting my guard down. It was best not to deeply trust.

Monday, 10 June 2013

A different outlook, part 1

Sometimes we have to be broken before we can be rebuilt stronger and better. Sometimes we have to be brought to our knees before we can rise. I never thought it would be possible but I have seen a lot of good come from the suffering I have been through. Once again, I have learnt that everything happens for a reason and that time is the revealer of all reasons.

As my psychologist said, I am fortunate that I am usually able to figure out things quickly and by myself most of the time. After my moment of clarity and emotional breakthrough, my outlook in life drastically changed and for the better. It’s unfortunate that I had to be broken to change but I would never trade the process that got me where I am currently. While my failures were painful, I now see them as liberating as they gave me an opportunity to feel all the emotions I had been keeping at bay. Honouring and listening to my feelings, being honest with myself has allowed me to take control of my life and embrace myself. It has helped me grow in self love, confidence and acceptance. It has made me the strongest, happiest and most self aware I have ever been. It has enabled me to recognise my humanity and given me a healthier perspective of myself and others. It has brought me to a new whole level in life.

I had not been aware of how many areas in my life had been negatively impacted over the last 3 and a half years. I came to realise just how bad things had become. My relationship with myself, my relationships with my family and friends, my ambitions for my career and relationships had all been affected.

Thursday, 6 June 2013

Pressing the reset button

I got and rode on an emotional rollercoaster in January. I looked into my heart and didn’t like what I saw. I couldn’t look into it anymore. I would ruin myself if I did. I had done enough for the time being and I could deal with the rest later. I could make small changes then, everything after all starts with baby steps, and make more major changes later. This was what I told myself when the temptation of running away, not wanting any more hurt, crept in.

I had done many things wrong. Things I regretted deeply, wished I could take back. Things I could not share with another soul. I had already seen how greatly I had failed myself and others. I did not need to look further into my heart.

Running away seemed like an easy and attractive option but just when I was set on it, something stopped me in my tracks. Something in me told me that I could do this, that I was strong enough to even though I thought I wasn’t. A lingering and unidentifiable motivation would not let me run away like I had in the past. I had to go all the way. It would be painful and difficult but I would look back on the hardships I had been through and be grateful someday. That was what the motivation told me.

Grudgingly but fearlessly, I decided to go all in into my heart and self reflected further. It was not easy at first but as the days went by, I realised something. I could start over again. I needed to accept my failures, forgive myself, find my destiny and start following my dreams again. Happiness, my dreams and desires may have seemed impossible at the time but they certainly were not out of my reach. I simply needed to do some planning and take some serious action.

Tuesday, 4 June 2013

Facing my harshest critic

"The only limits I believe you will face in life will be the ones that you put on yourself," a friend told me late last year. I didn't take him seriously and I assumed that he said this in response to my being more open minded about certain kinks I had previously seen as hard limits. Kinks that I hadn't been interested in before or ever saw myself ever being interested in with time.

He went on to tell me that he was not just referring to my kinks but my life in general. "What did he know about my life?" I wondered. He had just been in it for 2 weeks and our friendship was indulged online. Continents away we had never met so what could he possibly know about my life?

External limits aside, I came to realise that I had imposed many limits on myself. The external limits may have slowed me down but my self imposed limits held me back. 

The last 3 and a half years have been extremely difficult. While I was able to deal with the stress somewhat better than I had before, I lost myself in the process. It dawned on me that my self love, esteem and confidence had taken a brutal beating. I had stopped being as excited, motivated and optimistic as I had once been. In many areas of my life I stopped dreaming. My dreams and desires seemed so impossible and out of reach that I just stopped trying. I stopped hoping for things because of the fear of not getting them and being let down. Let down I had been one too many times.

So much had gone wrong and I got used to finding it easier and better to give up faith and let things happen if and when they were going to happen. I would not look forward to them as I would probably end up disappointed. Disappointed I had been one too many times.

I settled for a lot less despite the persistent feeling that it wasn't for me. Merely getting by in life I was.

Saturday, 1 June 2013

Inspired in ways he will never know

"Either you accept your body as it is or do something about it." "I don't like that you don't take compliments." Becks said to me last Christmas among other things. I am nicknaming him Becks because Beck's is his favourite non alcoholic beer and like the real Becks, he is English.. We were having a conversation about my then negative body image. He was sympathetic but at the same time brutally honest with me, something very few people in my life have the courage to do. He gently criticised and gave his soft version of tough love rather graciously. That talk I will cherish for the rest of my life because it made me make many changes in my life that led to me being where I am at the moment, content and the happiest I have ever been. Becks being in my life, as brief as it was, inspired me in ways that he will never know.

Last December I was randomly browsing through a rather seedy adult site, with the no expectation of finding an ad that caught my eye. Bored of the same type of ads and about to leave the site, I came across his, one of the best ads by a submissive man I had come across on the site. My heart really was not in D/s dating at the time but for some reason I replied. I was simply tired of the cock pics, one liners, one night standers, thrill seekers, so you can imagine how pleasantly surprised I was when I found out that the person on the other side was not just kinky but intelligent, interesting, fun and could actually type more than a few lines. It was absolutely refreshing.

Within almost 2 weeks of chatting we decided to meet and it was by far one of the best first meetings I have been on. Conversation naturally flowed about any and everything and for the first time in my life I felt like I could be very open with someone about my life, vanilla and kinky and what a wonderful feeling that was. What struck me most was that we had fun and laughed away without a care in the world. He spoke his mind freely and was evidently proud of his submission, something I greatly appreciated. He ticked so many boxes on my ideal submissive list but I was not looking for a relationship at the time. I was suffering from so much burn out that I was just not ready to take a chance.